Oooooooh look at me I’m like everyone else working on a novel. Am I cool yet?

I have been toying around with writing a culinary novel for a while now. I thought maybe I’d start it in the new year, but after closing the store my back went to shit. At one point I thought I was going to become someone in a chair because my feet would consistently go numb. I had to rotate between heat and cooling pads to get the inflammation down and let the nerves relax. As I laid there rather panicky and dramatic with pain I said to myself well if you are going to be an invalid what better time to start that novel. It’s not like I can go for a bike ride and enjoy this Autumn weather. And I can’t cruise the backroads, I can barely get myself into the car without pain.

Personally, I felt like a grouch. What’s the name of that Sesame Street character in the trash can? That’s me. I finally had time to go to these restaurants here in Montclair or in the city and I was just meh. Meeeeeehhhhh. There’s a lot that goes into creating a successful restaurant. And you can only be successful if you are already a success. Does that make sense? A successful restaurant is where the food is pretty good to great; the waitstaff are confident, funny, and buzzing; the kitchen is clean, sharp, and dialed in like Jack Hughes on a power play. It is where the manager has drilled his staff so that each utensil is clean, in the exact place, and so on. The chef has tested every dish, the prep cooks have every ingredient as clean and pristine as possible, and the cooks have had their coffee or coke and stations are ready. And none of that matters if the restaurant isn’t buzzing. Success breeds success and there’s no point in playing basketball in an empty arena. It has to be filled with loud and eager fans so the room gets wild. And it is better to come crashing down than the slow drip death. Nobody ever remembers the one who went out with a whisper. This is the food industry, you never make Wall Street money.

Drafting this novel feels like a breath of fresh air not just because I am in physical pain, but it is lifting me out of this cloud of jadedness. I love food and restaurants. Growing up as a kid around New York eating at so and so place was the thing. Fuck those museums, that was old shit as the Germans say. Walking into those delis back in the 90s you could grab a slice of cheesecake and stand in line behind some Wall Street asshole or supermodel. When you saved up some cash you threw on a suit, yeah I had a suit as a kid what, and went to wherever the mayor or Barbara was lunching. There was one kind of food, French, and if you didn’t act like a millionaire one of those servers carrying 8 dishes at once would trample you like that dad from Lion King. I loved it. But it is more than that. I’m remembering the smell and sound of trout hitting a hot pan, the crisp bite of fresh lettuce, and the wondrous aroma of stock being made.

I don’t know if many of you see food in the same manner. Sometimes I feel like an old man who saw a whole school of art come and go but eberyone’s still talking about it like it’s cool. I thought about reviewing restaurants on social media for a time. Forget my own opinions on social media, I thought that well I know what I’m talking about and why wouldn’t you want to read someone who truly enjoys dining out. I didn’t expect to make money off it. Maybe I still will, but as of right now I’d rather focus on this novel. It will put me in a better place to enjoy things again. Waking up at 5am is about the same as I did when making gelato, and I find my brain most active and creative.

I’m feeling classy, maybe I’ll go out and buy some trout, almonds, capers, and turnips.

*Me walking the block up to the stoop.

Yo Salt what’s happening?

Man, I’m tired of this shit. Everybody always using my name on the block but it ain’t right.

They just don’t know you do they Salt?

Let me tell you, I remember a time when wars would be fought over me and now they abuse me on social media like life’s a damn joke.

You talking about that Argentinian or whoever cat that puts his hand all flouncy and sprinkles you on some steak?

Yeah, I’m an artist you know what I’m saying and they acting like they the motherfucker. I’m the motherfucker! Respect.

Shiiiiit Salt you don’t gotta get all angry with me. We go way back.

About that, sometimes you don’t add like me you should.

Yo, remember the time I had to go to the emergency room cuz of them kidney stones? There’s a reason.

Oh ha ha yeah I remember that. You were thinking you had some kind of constipation and were rolling around in the car and then the emergency room screaming at that front desk lady. She wasn’t having none of it.

Yo, I would have given her every dollar in my account to get the pain to stop. But turns out it was you lol. I had to scale back you know what I’m saying? But I got skills, you know thisssssss.

Yeah yeah I hear you. But I’m saying, I feel like I’m being abused. It’s like when I see my cousin Soy at them sushi places. I seen some of these guys, they’re usually men, swirl in a ton of Soy and wasabi into those tiny ass trays. They dip the whole sushi in, both sides! I nearly passed out. Soy was like wait to see what they do with me in wannabe ramen broth.

I don’t eat ramen.

Wait what? How you not gonna eat ramen?

Shit ain’t right 90% of the time. I’m more of a soba person anyways.

Soba… man you corny.

Yeah okay, what about the time I seen you tossed with those tiny fries at the French place. I sent it back… *looking right at Salt* two times.

Lol where?

I’m no snitch. And there was that other place that was all limp, also that other fried place, and *snaps fingers* the one in the city where they used to have guys hang in the bathroom to hand you towels. We seen Naomi Watts when she was dating Sabretooth.

The one where hot Europeans go?

Mmmmhmmm.

Yo, I comment on the owner’s instagram all the time that they need to stop with those short fries. But he’s too busy bragging at how much money he’s making.

Let’s rob his ass!

No no no. He’s a good guy. But I’ve been thinking about petitioning the government that places of business are required to get a license to use me. I used to be in tight the president back in the day.

Biden?

Lol no.

Trump?

That guy loves me, but no.

Don’t tell me Obama.

Oh no way, that guy never stopped looking in the mirror. I’m talking about my boy Slick Willy.

Oh yeah, that guy knew a good fry.

He’d steal a fry from a baby. I’m gonna try to text him if he can make a pitch to the bureaucrats. This is getting ridiculous.

Just hope Hillary doesn’t see that text lol.

Psssssh, Hillary a bigger fiend than he is.

Oh word? I just assume she only ate kale salads. Back in the day my Spanish teacher gave me a recipe for her cookies and one time I wanted to warm them up in the microwave and it nearly burned down my house.

Lol what the hell are you talking about?

Go search that recipe and try it. Just don’t blame me if you see sparks.

Speaking of cookies why are they always sprinkling me on them?

They’re dumb. I don’t know, rimming you on a margarita isn’t enough they gotta put you on some average cookies. Remember the time I thought Sugar was you and I sprinkled them all over my fries?

I do and it wasn’t as bad as the time you poured Vinegar thinking it was Soy over the fried rice. Why were you doing that anyway?

I was dumb.

Lol no doubt.

Listen, I gotta bounce but keep it real.

Real is all I do.

*Salt picks up the phone “Billy my boy listen I need a favor….”

You may have read me griping or sarcastically commenting on how flat the food industry is right now. Since we have closed I have been thinking about the reasons for this. There seem to be many reasons for this, many of out a person’s control, but these past few weeks I have been meeting up with people I haven’t seen for some time and also chance encounters in my wandering. And one thing seems to be a common thread: a loss or lack of lasting impressions. To be general, there’s not a lot of things worth remembering and many influences in life whether teachers, friends, or strangers may be more negative than positive. Usually I like to point the finger at social media or that we never have any time anymore, which are in play no doubt, but there are always wider and deeper factors at play. That is something for another time. For now on the surface when was the last time someone or something left an impression that helped you to improve or level up?

What does this mean? I’ll give you a few examples. I went to DePaul Catholic High School in Wayne, and I had two teachers who made a lasting impression on me. One was a gym teacher I’ll refer to as Coach Sis. The guy wouldn’t even remember me today, but his manner of going about things taught me about respect, honor, and knowing when to tell people to shut the fuck up. The guy was almost always angry, he seemed to hate everyone but his daughter, and unless my memory is fading I swear he started every sentence with “let me tell you something.” During gym class, lunch break, or random classes he would share his maxims about everyday life on various things like how to communicate properly, not to waste your time, standup for yourself, and be ready to go at all times. I’m not saying the guy was some genius, but at that time in my life, his mannerism and perspective is what I needed to take with me throughout my life. And I’m a better person for it.

Another teacher was a monk. Sadly, as I write this I can’t remember his name. He was a religion and music teacher. I’m not a Christian of any type though I have been accused of being a Calvinist, but I have a warm heart for people who take their faith seriously. And monks always seemed to be the most serious, they are like the mechanics working on cars and priests are like used cars salesmen. This particular monk helped me to be more critical about ideas and concepts than any science teacher I ever had. And during one particular class where we had to ring these stupid bells and read musical notes (it’s making me angry thinking about it) I learned the beauty of working hard to not only do something well but to do so in sync with others. Classes like that also taught me what awful sounds like and how to spot someone who is either a moron or doesn’t give a shit (they’re usually a moron). He taught me a kind of religious kindness, as I call it, where you open your heart to people but also expect them to put their heart into everything they do. It is of no good to be a child of a god in a god’s world when you go about life lazily. I’m not religious, by the way, but I agree with the concept, if in a sarcastic manner.

Even before high school there was Ms. Edwards. She was one of my earliest lasting impressions. She was a defiant woman who was all Jersey. Through her I learned to stand up for what I believe in, embrace creativity, and to critique the system. Without her I’d not have the strength to look at an issue and steer my heart towards the victims or marginalized. In the long run I learned about the value of redemption and things aren’t always black and white. At a young age she took us into New York City and showed me anime and movie that challenged what I understood as society at the time. She was the first person I encountered that took a moment to try and compress grief even if it was just about the death of Tupac.

There are countless others, who were of a particular standard, throughout my life who have taught me things along the way to level up (I’m still meeting people and leveling up). You also have to be open to these impressions and eventually trim the bullshit and keep what is important. No one person is an island. But things don’t get better, more beautiful, or more interesting if you aren’t open and focused on wanting it to be so. Many people who have made lasting impressions on me I don’t necessarily agree with on 90% of things, and that is okay. The point is looking for that high level shit and making it part of you. That is what I don’t see these days when I encounter people. I feel like many people never had lasting impression throughout their lives to show them how to strive for better standards whether in their work, relationships, and beliefs. You have to share with others if anything is going to get better.

But let me tell you something… I have no control over this and it is what it is, but I’ve loved cuisine all my life and it ain’t nothing to smile about right now. People can fight over left wing, right wing, capitalist, socialist, and whatever else. Just make some god damn good food. Don’t send out those damn fries if it isn’t proper. No, I don’t need some old bay seasoning or dill because they weren’t fried right. I’d rather have something seasoned properly than something piled with truffle and caviar.

Well, since we are closed I can go ahead and write about whatever. Jenny and I used to play a game called over under for each flavor. Like if we thought the flavor was over or underrated no matter how much it sold. Here’s a list of the few from over the years.

Ube: OVER! Come on, let’s be real for a moment here and just say it: everyone likes it because of the color. I’m Filipino and I say it’s overrated. Besides have you ever eaten actual purple yam before? It doesn’t taste like that. The Ube you are eating in ice cream or bubble tea form is really food coloring and Taro. Go ahead and order some Taro bubble tea made with that taro powder and close your eyes. Tell me that’s not Ube! Towards the end of our run as APEM I started to add coconut extract to give it some backup dancers.

Hazelnut: Underrated. Man, please. You can’t get enough of the stuff no matter what. It’s the closest flavor to transcendence. I’ll go fisticuffs on the streets of Milan for some hazelnut gelato, though it should be said that some places skimp which is a terrible sacrilege.

Vanilla: If it ain’t the man himself, always going around creating problems then blaming it on other people. Underrated. Jokes aside, a good vanilla is as good as any flavor in the world. Bizarrely, Italian don’t know Vanilla like we Americans do. And the French… they can make a vanilla like Biden can rig an election. (You know that was a joke right?)

Oreo: Underrated. Well, it depends on how it is made. Those mediocre ice cream places barely put any cookies into the base. Blend that shit, blend it until it’s mixed like cement. Then go ahead and toss some in just cuz. An indulgent Oreo ice cream is the stuff of myths.

Strawberry: Overrated. I can’t… I just… can’t. I love strawberry shortcake and a delicious delicate strawberry cake, but in terms of frozen desserts it’s gotta be a sorbet. Strawberries are too watery and we used to even cook them until reduced to a thick sauce. Strawberries are magical, but they’re better simple with whipped cream and meringue or with proper shortcake.

Chocolate: Well that really depends. We have had some repugnant chocolate ice cream around America and also some in Italy. You swear some places only add cocoa powder yet charge you prime. Shhhiiiiiiitttt. If you want real chocolate frozen stuff then you gotta do some searching. Around the tristate area? Shhhhiiiiiiiittttt… I challenge you instead to making some delicious chocolate mousse at home. Get some chocolate over 70% cacao (the darker the better I say), a bit of espresso dust, vanilla extract, and unsweetened schlag and that’s all you need. Shhhhiiiiittt.

Butter Pecan: Underrated. How you gonna tell me that butter pecan is overrated. I mean maybe some places around the way make it wrong, but toast those pecans, sprinkle some salt, melt that butter until it’s nice and bubbly, maybe add some bourbon, a little vanilla extract, and mmmmmmm lemme tell you something: You can hang me Fort Worth style after eating a cup of delicious butter pecan.

Cookie Dough: Overrated. Sorry, Genna.

Taylor Ham: I don’t know we never made it. AND NEVER WILL!

Deep Pretzel: Underrated. You know this flavor with its chocolate gelato, chocolate covered pretzels, and bourbon caramel. I hated the idea of this flavor lol. But you guys were in control not me. My only job was to make it into something delicious. Here’s a side note: our code word for something going bad is “The Pretzel” in reference to the time that joker George W Bush was almost taken out by a pretzel or potato chip. “Hey Jen how’s the ricotta? PRETZEL! Shiiiiit we gotta get some more before Cheney gets here.”

Rainbow Cookie: DRAW. This flavor was a pleasant surprise to make. I love rainbow cookies, though I’m more of a sfogliatella guy, and it was a riff on Oreo. It’s good, but I’m not sure it’s that good.

Ricotta Strawberry: Underrated according to Jenny. Ricotta gelato with candied strawberries. We let the strawberries take a bath in sugar syrup for a day or two before using them. That process helps them to stay fresh, maybe even get better, and prevents those ice crystals from forming.

Alex’s PB Pie: Underrated. How could it be overrated when it has my name in it? But seriously though it’s a lot of peanut butter, pie crust, and chocolate ganache. America was built on these ingredients.

Amarena Amaretti: Underrated. Amarena cherries with amaretti cookies. First, we stopped making amaretti flavors because our supplier just stopped making them at some point during covid. And we could never find another place that makes them in the same manner that was cost effective. Any amaretti flavor is underrated in my opinion. I just love the crunch and taste and when you pair it with amarena cherries its totally legit. Italians are truly wizards when it comes to sweets. Italians and Austrians. The French…. “doing that iffy kinda sort of hand gesture” maybe.

Dannyboy: OVERRATED? Peanut butter Oreo. This kind of has to be overrated because it’s named after a customer who is a Rangers fan. The guy is cool, but the Rangers? Ugh. But for real though I used to call it the dirtiest flavor this side of the Mississippi. One weekend we totally ran out of milk and I wanted to make more of something/anything but at the end of our production cycle we can only make nut flavors. I told Jenny we will make Dannyboy but just go get some milk real quick at 7/11 down at Broad Street since it’s a dirty flavor anyway lol. I remember making that specific batch and being like yeah it’s dirty as hell, but of course good at the same time.

Black Sesame. Underrated. This flavor was always so good, but I feel like it only got play from a few customers. Maybe some people didn’t really like the idea of sesame or it was the color. People are visual, and I don’t think they realize that. In the first few years open and when I worked up front I remember people saying yeah I’ll take the red it’s cherry right? Naw, it’s October and that’s beet. Wait, did you say beet yo what kind of place is this? On the flip side never really liked making black sesame since it froze so quickly due to the fat content of the sesame, and it caked onto the barrel of the gelato machine which made it harder to clean.

Cheeky Bastard. Underrated. Lemon ice cream with shortbread and salted caramel. This is actually one of my favorite flavors. I grew up loving British desserts and also that specific kind of cheeky and dark British comedy from Matt Berry. The sight of him kicking that dog after being rejected is priceless. I always thought it tasted sophisticated even though the ingredients were just shortbread and caramel. It could have been in a scene of a Guy Ritchie movie where Boris the Blade was enjoying some Cheeky Bastard when Bullet Tooth Tony bursts in.

Eton Mess: DRAW. Vanilla ice cream with meringue and strawberry sauce. I’m undecided on this flavor since it’s quite good and I’ve always been unsettled it doesn’t taste more snobbish. That is of course because while the dessert Eton Mess isn’t, the school, Eton College, is the epitome of snobbery. I’d love to drive by and leave a flaming bag of dogshit at the front gate. I imagine a bunch of future crusty Brits with their striped pants and weird curved collars making goofy decisions that ruins the country while still being self assured they’re doing a good job. Did Boris Johnson go there because he seems like the type I’m referring to? He can sit around talking about ancient Athens or Rome then concoct some fantastical plan that makes things worse. It’s like those Ivory Tower morons at the big universities who look down on the rest of us with their lifted noses. There you go! We need an American Eton Mess called the Ivory Tower. Someone go out and invent a classical American dessert that is also a symbol of snivelry.

Doppio Espresso: Underrated. Anything with coffee in it is underrated. When I first moved to San Francisco I didn’t know where to start. I moved there to open a business and had to figure the place out. Well what better way than through coffee? I lived in North Beach the old Italian neighborhood and would walk all around the city to check the vibe and stopped in just about every coffee shop. By that time the third wave coffee or whatever they called it was in full swing, but not at its peak. There was Blue Bottle before Nestle, Four Barrel, Ritual, then Sightglass and Linea. God, that was all a big hipster scene lol. I’ll tell you what though… I had some damn good cookies at some of these places. And cookies I have yet to match after all these years. The coffee scene plateaued before everything else in food, but I still love the Devil’s Drink as I call it. Hell, I even bought my own espresso machine and drinking an espresso as I type this up. Forget all the fancy shit that can be said about coffee or espresso. I love it because I can’t drink jet fuel. I love the smell, the taste, the crema forming at the top, and the way it makes me feel. Well sort of, it may have induced a panic attack or two throughout the years. But it’s a wonderful addiction and in gelato form it must be as good as it can be compared to drinking a straight shot. So we tried to do our best with the doppio or double espresso flavors. To make something as its truest expression or damn near close is the spirit of Italian food in my eyes. I like to think we did that with this flavor. Once I get my gelato machine back up and running that will be my first batch. For now it’s one shot, two shot, three shot, four shot running down Grove Street in the rain.

Cardamom Coffee: Underrated. Well it is another coffee flavor, but it is underrated because of of its uniqueness. We never made it enough which is my fault. I made a lot of flavors because I love to travel and during covid that wasn’t possible. So I had to travel with the flavors. I’d be dishonest if I didn’t admit I am a romantic. To go about the world in pursuit of beautiful things is as vital to my life as drawing a breath. If there weren’t wars raging it was my plan to travel from Portugal to China whether by foot, wheels, or train. Covid put pause to that, and Putin buried it. The world has bigger problems than my own plans, but that middle part of the world was my real goal. The Ancient Silk Road was always a draw to me since childhood. Partly it is the movement of food ingredients, but also religions and ideas. I have a tattoo on my right arm of the Buddha and The Great Khan. They symbolized not just being Asian, but the duality of human nature or at least civilized human nature. Growing up in Passaic in the 1990s there was always some underlying threat of violence, but you learned to thrive off it and my happiest moments come from then. The history of the steppe always seemed like an extreme version of that, and so it always called to me as a place to go. And when I taste food from that region it tastes so natural to me like it’s home. Cardamom Coffee was one of the first flavors we made that I thought “this right here is why I make gelato.”

Feel free to email or message us more and I’ll comment just for fun.

There were a few things I learned these last two weeks.

First I will say that at my very last batch of gelato on Sunday August 13 I expected to feel very sad. As I held the button waiting to switch it off I took a breath. And as I saw the machine go slow until a full stop I stared at the blade with the remaining gelato. And I didn’t feel a thing. It was almost like in that show Foundation where Brother Day goes on that crazy pilgrimage to reach a cave. And when he gets there he realizes he has no soul. It was just a bunch of nothing. And in that split second I felt exactly like that. I let out a hmm to myself waiting for something, then my brain slapped me upside my head and said “hey moron you aren’t done making gelato for good. You are just done selling it.” I felt a sigh of relief and gave a strong pat to my gelato machine like I would a little kid for a job well done.

With the long lines at the store (something that was embarrassing to me since I don’t want to waste people’s time) I took the opportunity to just go out and talk to people. And wow do we have diverse set of customers. The Rachel Maddow lover, the writer, mechanic, Republican, contractor, pharmacist, marketing strategist, single mother, born again Christian, hipster, accountant, nurse, lawyer, professor, cashier, and fireman. My point is that we appeal to so many different types of people and that’s awesome. I’m very proud of that.

Meditation is one of the greatest tools I’ve ever used. In my past I have gone to medium lengths to learn various meditation methods or techniques. And we approached our very stressful decision on what to do going forward I began to spend time each day meditating. It got me through those last few weeks and even helped me to be free and enjoy it all. Meditation has also allowed me to be freer in my playfulness towards life. It has also helped me to have more compassion and love things deeper. I mean I will always honk at some idiot hugging the left lane. It is not so easy for me to say you should meditate. I have used those apps in the past, but after some “professional” training I wouldn’t recommend them. If you are very stressed and feel like you will explode then by all means use it. But to go beyond that, seek out a place or center that is professional. Without meditation I couldn’t have made it through those last few weeks and enjoyed them.

Lastly, I didn’t expect people to care about our business as much as they did. I just didn’t think we were around long enough for that reaction to be viable. Like when Pearl Oyster Bar was closing down Jenny and I went as many times as we could, but it had been around since like 2002 or whenever. I also get sad but when a show like Six Feet Under ends. But look I always say that you have to put yourself out there as much as you can. You burn bright, but eventually you will burn out. That is always better than becoming a Starbucks.

A few people have asked me why we are closing and wondered if I was going to say something more formal. At first I was like, “who gives a shit about that? Just make the last bit of gelato, work hard, then bounce.” But okay, sure.

FIRST, let me say, we aren’t leaving New Jersey. We just moved to a new house near Brookdale Park. My dog, Clyde, and I enjoy waking up in the morning to make espresso and feed our goldfish. Plus our previous blog post was about how all the other states were mostly garbage. Unless I’m moving to Spain or Italy, I’m gonna be in Jersey (occasionally in SoCal).

NOW here are most of the reasons why we are closing:

-LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION. Our curse was always finding a location whether when we had our previous business in California or back here in Jersey. Jenny and I are driven to near death. This time, we just aren’t willing to go through that again. We have been looking for 2 years now, even before we mentioned anything publicly. We were fully tapped out at the store and for us it was getting stressful with space. Also there were times the store was just dead (like the third week of August every year), and the only thing that could remedy that would be to be in a better location, a higher trafficked area.

-EMPLOYEES. Most of our employees are leaving for college. And we have been interviewing full time employees since spring. While people have kitchen experience, they have the wrong kind. It was better to hire a high school kid with no training than someone with to de-educate. But then how can we expect to grow only hiring high school/college kids with limited hours whom would leave us in a year? There are a lot of flakes with no virtue. What do you expect from a society that almost exclusively exists through abstraction. As a side note, it was cool how many of our high school and college kids turned into decent prep cooks and hospitality staff.

-TECH AND STUFF. I’m old school. I like hanging with people, smoking my tires at stoplights, and eating spaghetti with meatballs. Everything else is loose change. But society gone done made the loose change the whole point. All this tech shit just makes shit worse. And you have all the new food places around here or in the city. Meh. People be making some weird ass shit because they need attention, but is it good? Kardashian style. My heroes growing up were people like Thomas Jefferson and Diogenes. As a result I have an inclination against things that are ever increasingly more complex and where we need to use our own soul LESS. I see it in everyone no matter the age and sometimes in myself. I need to step away from all that.

-MEDIA. I’ve never met more boring and rigid people. Not that I’m a superstar, but I give you what you give me. We remember spending a day with a journalist and his photographer. The photographer and us had a blast making jokes and talking about gelato on the dairy farm in California. The journalist was kind of just there like an alpaca, and the article was mediocre at best. I should have just thrown some gelato at his face. It’s basically the same for every journalist I’ve ever met. I had some editor ask me why we were closing, and I said back, “because the media won’t cover us.” And they reply that ‘oh yeah, a lot of local media is closing up.’ I wanted to say,”YOU, I MEAN, YOU WON’T COVER US!” But it would have been like talking to an alpaca again. Who else is doing gelato and ice cream like us? If I were a boxer with the pace and the creativity that we keep up, most other boxers would have just woken up at the hospital. Look, I don’t think we are the best shit ever. I just do our thing with our mindset and know it’s unique. YES, unique enough for national recognition whether people like it or not. Tell lies since a few have done so already, just write about us. Journalism doesn’t seem like an easy gig, but that doesn’t mean it’s not lacking

-DIGNITAS. Which brings me to my world view. I’m no Carthaginian looking to setup commercial outposts along the coast. I’m also no Hellene singing poems. No, I’m more Roman in how I look at things. I love my sphere here in Montclair/Bloomfield and had no desire to go elsewhere as a relocation point. I’m fiercely loyal to the people who support us. How many times have we made flavors upon request or made someone happy? Do other places do this? To be loved by the people and grow with the people is everything. So it had to be first about moving to a bigger spot here, then expanding wider to other parts of New Jersey. The long lines are nice for financial stability and growth, but it was about a sign that people gave a shit and we weren’t just another useless business taking up space. I don’t get up at 4:00am unless it’s for a sense of duty. As someone with a Roman worldview, you are driven to succeed at the expense of your own health. And that is something I have done. So to save myself, from myself, I choose to retreat to my garden like Cincinnatus and tend to my tomatoes and sing songs to the gods.

Mixing all these things together was just a recipe for disaster. It is so hard to find a good location, annoying to find the right kind of help to propel us (I write this at 6pm on Sunday August 6 after having woken at 4am to make gelato which sold out in 2.5 hours), the media has made me bitter, and I’m just not wired like most people. So to prevent myself from having a stroke, it is better to bow out. There are quite a bit of flavors I didn’t get to, believe it or not, but that’s how it goes. It has been hard to let go since this has been my life since 2007. Well, I’ve always had multiple things going on in life and my mind is always full of ideas, but gelato was my everyday thing. It has taken some time for my ego to let go and to this very moment it is still fighting me. But I guess you could say that over the past two years I’ve seen our culture rot into such a pathetic state that the other things on my mind for years have bubbled to the surface. I could still make gelato since it is like breathing to me, but I don’t have time to sit and compile all the other things in my head. Before gelato I studied to pursue being a diplomat and on that ride I discovered political theory and anthropology. As I traveled in places like China, I hung out with peasants, mayors, businessmen, teachers, and homeless people. I personally think most language is a failure in communication, and I’ve always loved spending time with people and watching their faces, bodies, and their smell as we hang. It is an odd thing, but language is full of lies. Most of us can’t hide anything with our bodies. And today’s technology has, in my observation, split the average person in two. There’s the online which is almost their true self today, and their physical which is a nervous wreck. If true, that is disconcerting and a serious threat to freedom (not that people actually think about freedom anymore). Anyway, the point being is that I’m a curious person about many little things and without serious help at APEM I can’t make gelato and battle with my mind that’s always watching, listening, and wanting time to sit and absorb it all even though I’d love to be making gelato right at this moment.

As for what is in store for Jenny and myself… well, as I like to say,” we aren’t stupid people, thankfully.” We will find our way, because that’s all that matters. I love making gelato and will continue to do so for myself (there’s no way I’m eating all that other shit out there), I am now free to travel to any place on the planet without seasonal constraints, and the things I’ve kept hidden in the shadows about myself can run feral. Also I have never lived through a period of such shitty food. People ask me where to eat and I couldn’t really say. Food is at such a low I’d probably recommend Popeyes. It did dawn on me at one point this summer to review restaurants as a side thing. Maybe if I start to see better places come around. For Jenny, she can focus on the other things she enjoys like traveling and taking up woodworking. Some asked if we’d consider doing something again down the line. Really? Would you even remember us in a year? If so, I am touched because most things drift away with the sands of time. It is very unlikely that would happen. As someone with my worldview, I’d say we did a good thing for how long we did it and that much we can be grateful for. Things should never last forever and an ending/death is a blessing in disguise because it shows you how much a thing really meant. That is how life is supposed to go.

See you around town.

Alex

What nasty thing hasn’t already been said about New Jersey? Well I want to turn that around. I love my home state and have lived elsewhere. Unless it’s you give me 10,000 acres in prime Maine country I can’t imagine being anywhere else in America. As for the rest of the country: here’s 49 ways to suck. I expect to be nominated for Hater of the Year at the Playa Haters Ball.

(*I’m assuming you aren’t a moron and think I’m being serious.)

Alaska: The place to move if you want to pretend to be a frontiersman or smell like fish.

Alabama: It doesn’t matter since they can’t read anyway.

Arkansas: Why you gotta do us dirty like that Arkansas? You should have never named a town Hope and never let Slick Willy out from his trailer.

California: Only one way? I could write a book on California’s idiocy. What a way to squander all the low hanging fruit. It is now on its path to becoming São Paulo where there’s the rich that pay most of the state’s budget from their stock portfolios and then there’s some modern form of non-working working class. Then there’s the Dalits who work the fields and have to drink toxic water so some billionaires can have swanky parties. But hey the beaches are still clean after all. California is a feudal state where one pays homage to your local lord whether it be Bren, some pistachio asshole, or like when Steve Jobs held Cupertino ransom. I also love how coffee shops in California are full of assholes typing away on their MacBooks supposedly writing a script. And meanwhile look at how shitty all the shows are these days. It’s so bad pickle ball has become a thing.

Arizona: Is this a place? And why does it keep growing? Have these people never heard of a warming planet? Where the fuck are you gonna get all that water from? Just because you want cheap land doesn’t mean you should use it. North Carolina of the West.

Colorado: I drove through the state once. I had an amazing burger made by what looked like an inbred polygamist family. There are many beautiful places yet to be destroyed by the super rich.

Delaware: Pretty sure once I crossed the bridge it took me 5 minutes to get to Maryland, cops be damned. The worst rest area ever.

Florida: God bless the Cubans down there, but the state is gonna drown. People drive like idiots down there because the heat made them damn near invalids. But hey they have Messi I guess?

Georgia: Pine, fucking pines for miles until you get to that airport with a city by it.

Hawaii: Half the Hawaiians I’ve met are ready to throw down over a sneeze and the other half are always late. What does that tell you about a place?

Illinois: Ah yes the land of America’s favorite women’s shoe salesman. Some cornfed Midwestern state sucked dry by Metropolis. Jenny went to college here and took me around that city once and said let’s go to this pizza place. That shit wasn’t pizza it was bread with some sauce on top that took too long to cook. And why they got neon shit on their hot dogs?

Indiana: Who?

Idaho: I’ve been through Idaho twice and there’s really no beef to be had. I hear California Republicans are moving up there… that’s like letting a bunch of Bergen County suburbanites into your state. Don’t do it.

Connecticut: It’s kind of like Jersey no? Other people are just trying to drive through it as fast as possible to get somewhere else. Plus Hartford is a shithole. One time at a diner, I called a guy there Ralph Machio and he tried to cut me.

Rhode Island: Who? This motherfucker ain’t even an island.

Maryland: Yo how is it that this state can be supposedly the richest yet it’s mostly run down? I was around Maryland for like 4 years back in the day and the people can’t drive, and the best food was at a gas station. At least the movie Pink Flamingos takes place in Maryland. And love love love those Baltimore characters.

Iowa: Pigs, corn, and rednecks. Wait why am I bashing on Iowa? Maybe I’ll move there.

Kansas: I was around this place during corn harvest season. My mistake because I checked into a hotel and the field insects were fleeing all the harvesters into my room.

Kentucky: Bluegrass, horses, and meth. They got one thing right.

Louisiana: Shit this is probably the most racist ass place I’ve been to. Speaking not from my own personal experience, but from the vibe. The average person was actually quite nice to me, nicer than anywhere else in this country in that fake ass manner. But I been around racism before (looking at you Japan) and Louisiana smelt like bottle of Burgundy’s finest. Though I should note that I have never been to New Orleans and only the rural parts.

Maine: Nice people, nice land, minimally populated, and it’s pretty cold in the winter. Sounds like a place someone from New Jersey that isn’t a moron would move to.

Massachussets: I’ve been around a decent amount of this state. It’s not that far off from the core area of New Jersey except that they support the wrong teams. What always amazes me is how Boston is this overly educated city, but when it comes to sports they’re as trashy as Philly. You have legions of Red Sox or Patriots fans who would otherwise be upstanding citizens, and they go on threatening little children over a moving ball. I’ve also never encountered such entitled arrogant people.

Michigan: Don’t know, don’t care.

Minnesota: Why is it that almost everyone I know from there eats steaks well done? Is it some chewing thing? Get a bagel. I never been up there though I do want to visit the Kawashaway.

Mississippi: I’ve never been through a more miserable state. The whole state was like Hartford, Connecituct.

Missouri: I’m sorry who?

Montana: Always better in theory, not in practice.

Nebraska: Easiest place to get laid, that’s all I can say.

Nevada: What is this shithole? I’ve been through northern and southern Nevada and there are stretches where you won’t see a single person for hours. There’s something refreshing and terrifying about that. I once stayed at this small town tucked into a canyon. At night you’d swear the town was haunted with how the wind came through. Back then it was before smartphones and everyone in the town was bored as hell. Then you have Vegas… I was lucky enough to have seen some of Vegas before it went Disney. It is where civilization goes to die.

New Hampshire: Live free or die. Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

New Jersey: Well well well if it isn’t the Devil himself. You filthy, crowded, aggressive, tiny ass little state. PS, I love you.

New Mexico: I spent a few days in Albequerque back in like 2004 or some shit. Yeah Breaking Bad was accurate.

New York: What can I say about New York that hasn’t already been said about Venezuela? It’s big, corrupt, dilipated, grossly unequal, and it stinks. They cling to their well funded shitty sports teams and past glories. The reality is that “The City” no longer has an edge. It is so expensive that people who do the actual creating for society can’t find crevices to occupy. 1 bedroom, 1 bathroom, 50 sqft, standing room only, and 5th floor walkup… $3,500. New York City is proof that what our society needs is a free zone if it is to survive beyond this century. It’s a shame that most of the state is beautiful but like Illinois held hostage by Gotham.

North Carolina: Ew. I’ve never encountered a place so arrogant about its “affordability”. Like that’s their claim to fame. Bitch, that means you the scraps. The bbq ain’t even good. You got all these people moving down there from all over and where’s it at? Where’s the cutting edge art, literature, movies, or whatever? You just a big ass Delaware. Check yoself. Arizona of the East.

North Dakota: I swear every time I hear about this state I think it’s South Dakota. It’s amazing it actually exists, though I hear it is nice. Maybe a branding problem? Shit I can relate.

Ohio: Hell.

Oklahoma: The first thing I think of is Timothy McVeigh so it can’t be good.

Oregon: I’ll give one thing to them: they could care less what other states think of them.

Pennyslvania: Aside from that shithole they call Philly I ain’t got nothing bad to say. The cats I knew from PA were solid. They reminded me of people from so called Central Jersey or Anaheim. You know what I’m saying: people who can hang on a lazy summer day and find fun, always without effort.

South Carolina: Ain’t these the motherfuckers that started the Civil War? They should have let General Sherman make a quick pop in like a high Rutgers student at a Wawa, there would be nothing left.

South Dakota : I forgot it was there.

Tennessee: I hear they got good bbq, but it seems like the state is in a random spot. Move Delaware’s ass down there and move up here. Let’s see whats up.

Texas: They say Texas is the new California, in that it is the state that will lead America into this new century. Before you assume I’m just going to bash Texas I’m not. That previous statement is actually something we should contemplate over. I don’t believe the Texas system is strong enough to handle what is coming for it in terms of weather patterns, water prospects, and migration chaos. There’s a lot of local indepdenence in Texas where the regions and cities have more control than the state. It reminds me something of New Jersey. Of course that doesn’t mean the states have the same policies, but government styles need to adapt. Texas will surely have a good ride, but its laziness and self importance will come to bite it in its ass. It’s way too hot in the summer, way too cold in the winter, many people are caricatures, and nobody cares how big you are. I’m fine with Texas, but you aren’t the hot shit you think you are. But glad to be wrong.

Utah: It’s actually a beautiful state.

Vermont: Where someone from Jersey would flee to avoid the crowds. Lacey Chabert agrees.

Virginia: Meh, it had its time and now it is whatever. The Tidewater gentry are long gone, and replaced with playtime wannabes.

Washington: Cobain and Staley. Well that’s just depressing.

West Virginia: The most underrated state by far. Don’t get me wrong I’ve seen trashy ass people sitting out front their porches in they underwear, but I seen that in Lincoln Park too. The river gorges are amazing and the horse flies will take a chunk of your skin. I almost drowned in a river here, true story.

Wisconsin: Is this like the New Jersey to Illinois’ New York? I think so.

Wyoming: See Montana

Well may as well throw more in there.

Puerto Rico: Make them a state already. Their mofongo is enough for entry.

DC: They say drain the swamp. I say flood it more.

*I wrote this post and video when camping in Upstate New York.

Hello everyone.

It’s my birthday and I was just sitting here relaxing by the lake and I realized something. The things we do at APEM are pretty remarkable. I mean in one way all ice cream shops do the same thing by freezing milk and sugar. Yet at APEM we are special. We do things that others don’t and very specific to New Jersey. We’ve been getting customers from Jersey City, Maplewood, South Orange, and hell even Princeton. Customers have been thanking us for doing this or that flavor and how it reminds them of their grandparents. To us that is the highest compliment. Aren’t the best moments in life those with your grandparents? But we have a problem. We are starting to consistently max out on production and space. With problems come opportunity though and it may be time we start to look in moving to a bigger space (or just moving production out of our Bloomfield store) and eventually having another location so that more people can experience the things we do here at APEM. We can’t do it alone and will need help in all aspects of this opportunity. If you know anyone or you yourself are interested in helping APEM to become something bigger and better. There are a lot more people out there who need some APEM. Feel free to contact us via email at apemcreamery@gmail.com or giving us a call at 973-666-0438.

Be well,

Alex