Conversation with my boy Salt

*Me walking the block up to the stoop.

Yo Salt what’s happening?

Man, I’m tired of this shit. Everybody always using my name on the block but it ain’t right.

They just don’t know you do they Salt?

Let me tell you, I remember a time when wars would be fought over me and now they abuse me on social media like life’s a damn joke.

You talking about that Argentinian or whoever cat that puts his hand all flouncy and sprinkles you on some steak?

Yeah, I’m an artist you know what I’m saying and they acting like they the motherfucker. I’m the motherfucker! Respect.

Shiiiiit Salt you don’t gotta get all angry with me. We go way back.

About that, sometimes you don’t add like me you should.

Yo, remember the time I had to go to the emergency room cuz of them kidney stones? There’s a reason.

Oh ha ha yeah I remember that. You were thinking you had some kind of constipation and were rolling around in the car and then the emergency room screaming at that front desk lady. She wasn’t having none of it.

Yo, I would have given her every dollar in my account to get the pain to stop. But turns out it was you lol. I had to scale back you know what I’m saying? But I got skills, you know thisssssss.

Yeah yeah I hear you. But I’m saying, I feel like I’m being abused. It’s like when I see my cousin Soy at them sushi places. I seen some of these guys, they’re usually men, swirl in a ton of Soy and wasabi into those tiny ass trays. They dip the whole sushi in, both sides! I nearly passed out. Soy was like wait to see what they do with me in wannabe ramen broth.

I don’t eat ramen.

Wait what? How you not gonna eat ramen?

Shit ain’t right 90% of the time. I’m more of a soba person anyways.

Soba… man you corny.

Yeah okay, what about the time I seen you tossed with those tiny fries at the French place. I sent it back… *looking right at Salt* two times.

Lol where?

I’m no snitch. And there was that other place that was all limp, also that other fried place, and *snaps fingers* the one in the city where they used to have guys hang in the bathroom to hand you towels. We seen Naomi Watts when she was dating Sabretooth.

The one where hot Europeans go?

Mmmmhmmm.

Yo, I comment on the owner’s instagram all the time that they need to stop with those short fries. But he’s too busy bragging at how much money he’s making.

Let’s rob his ass!

No no no. He’s a good guy. But I’ve been thinking about petitioning the government that places of business are required to get a license to use me. I used to be in tight the president back in the day.

Biden?

Lol no.

Trump?

That guy loves me, but no.

Don’t tell me Obama.

Oh no way, that guy never stopped looking in the mirror. I’m talking about my boy Slick Willy.

Oh yeah, that guy knew a good fry.

He’d steal a fry from a baby. I’m gonna try to text him if he can make a pitch to the bureaucrats. This is getting ridiculous.

Just hope Hillary doesn’t see that text lol.

Psssssh, Hillary a bigger fiend than he is.

Oh word? I just assume she only ate kale salads. Back in the day my Spanish teacher gave me a recipe for her cookies and one time I wanted to warm them up in the microwave and it nearly burned down my house.

Lol what the hell are you talking about?

Go search that recipe and try it. Just don’t blame me if you see sparks.

Speaking of cookies why are they always sprinkling me on them?

They’re dumb. I don’t know, rimming you on a margarita isn’t enough they gotta put you on some average cookies. Remember the time I thought Sugar was you and I sprinkled them all over my fries?

I do and it wasn’t as bad as the time you poured Vinegar thinking it was Soy over the fried rice. Why were you doing that anyway?

I was dumb.

Lol no doubt.

Listen, I gotta bounce but keep it real.

Real is all I do.

*Salt picks up the phone “Billy my boy listen I need a favor….”