49 Ways to Suck: Why Jersey is the Best and the Rest Eat Shit

What nasty thing hasn’t already been said about New Jersey? Well I want to turn that around. I love my home state and have lived elsewhere. Unless it’s you give me 10,000 acres in prime Maine country I can’t imagine being anywhere else in America. As for the rest of the country: here’s 49 ways to suck. I expect to be nominated for Hater of the Year at the Playa Haters Ball.

(*I’m assuming you aren’t a moron and think I’m being serious.)

Alaska: The place to move if you want to pretend to be a frontiersman or smell like fish.

Alabama: It doesn’t matter since they can’t read anyway.

Arkansas: Why you gotta do us dirty like that Arkansas? You should have never named a town Hope and never let Slick Willy out from his trailer.

California: Only one way? I could write a book on California’s idiocy. What a way to squander all the low hanging fruit. It is now on its path to becoming São Paulo where there’s the rich that pay most of the state’s budget from their stock portfolios and then there’s some modern form of non-working working class. Then there’s the Dalits who work the fields and have to drink toxic water so some billionaires can have swanky parties. But hey the beaches are still clean after all. California is a feudal state where one pays homage to your local lord whether it be Bren, some pistachio asshole, or like when Steve Jobs held Cupertino ransom. I also love how coffee shops in California are full of assholes typing away on their MacBooks supposedly writing a script. And meanwhile look at how shitty all the shows are these days. It’s so bad pickle ball has become a thing.

Arizona: Is this a place? And why does it keep growing? Have these people never heard of a warming planet? Where the fuck are you gonna get all that water from? Just because you want cheap land doesn’t mean you should use it. North Carolina of the West.

Colorado: I drove through the state once. I had an amazing burger made by what looked like an inbred polygamist family. There are many beautiful places yet to be destroyed by the super rich.

Delaware: Pretty sure once I crossed the bridge it took me 5 minutes to get to Maryland, cops be damned. The worst rest area ever.

Florida: God bless the Cubans down there, but the state is gonna drown. People drive like idiots down there because the heat made them damn near invalids. But hey they have Messi I guess?

Georgia: Pine, fucking pines for miles until you get to that airport with a city by it.

Hawaii: Half the Hawaiians I’ve met are ready to throw down over a sneeze and the other half are always late. What does that tell you about a place?

Illinois: Ah yes the land of America’s favorite women’s shoe salesman. Some cornfed Midwestern state sucked dry by Metropolis. Jenny went to college here and took me around that city once and said let’s go to this pizza place. That shit wasn’t pizza it was bread with some sauce on top that took too long to cook. And why they got neon shit on their hot dogs?

Indiana: Who?

Idaho: I’ve been through Idaho twice and there’s really no beef to be had. I hear California Republicans are moving up there… that’s like letting a bunch of Bergen County suburbanites into your state. Don’t do it.

Connecticut: It’s kind of like Jersey no? Other people are just trying to drive through it as fast as possible to get somewhere else. Plus Hartford is a shithole. One time at a diner, I called a guy there Ralph Machio and he tried to cut me.

Rhode Island: Who? This motherfucker ain’t even an island.

Maryland: Yo how is it that this state can be supposedly the richest yet it’s mostly run down? I was around Maryland for like 4 years back in the day and the people can’t drive, and the best food was at a gas station. At least the movie Pink Flamingos takes place in Maryland. And love love love those Baltimore characters.

Iowa: Pigs, corn, and rednecks. Wait why am I bashing on Iowa? Maybe I’ll move there.

Kansas: I was around this place during corn harvest season. My mistake because I checked into a hotel and the field insects were fleeing all the harvesters into my room.

Kentucky: Bluegrass, horses, and meth. They got one thing right.

Louisiana: Shit this is probably the most racist ass place I’ve been to. Speaking not from my own personal experience, but from the vibe. The average person was actually quite nice to me, nicer than anywhere else in this country in that fake ass manner. But I been around racism before (looking at you Japan) and Louisiana smelt like bottle of Burgundy’s finest. Though I should note that I have never been to New Orleans and only the rural parts.

Maine: Nice people, nice land, minimally populated, and it’s pretty cold in the winter. Sounds like a place someone from New Jersey that isn’t a moron would move to.

Massachussets: I’ve been around a decent amount of this state. It’s not that far off from the core area of New Jersey except that they support the wrong teams. What always amazes me is how Boston is this overly educated city, but when it comes to sports they’re as trashy as Philly. You have legions of Red Sox or Patriots fans who would otherwise be upstanding citizens, and they go on threatening little children over a moving ball. I’ve also never encountered such entitled arrogant people.

Michigan: Don’t know, don’t care.

Minnesota: Why is it that almost everyone I know from there eats steaks well done? Is it some chewing thing? Get a bagel. I never been up there though I do want to visit the Kawashaway.

Mississippi: I’ve never been through a more miserable state. The whole state was like Hartford, Connecituct.

Missouri: I’m sorry who?

Montana: Always better in theory, not in practice.

Nebraska: Easiest place to get laid, that’s all I can say.

Nevada: What is this shithole? I’ve been through northern and southern Nevada and there are stretches where you won’t see a single person for hours. There’s something refreshing and terrifying about that. I once stayed at this small town tucked into a canyon. At night you’d swear the town was haunted with how the wind came through. Back then it was before smartphones and everyone in the town was bored as hell. Then you have Vegas… I was lucky enough to have seen some of Vegas before it went Disney. It is where civilization goes to die.

New Hampshire: Live free or die. Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

New Jersey: Well well well if it isn’t the Devil himself. You filthy, crowded, aggressive, tiny ass little state. PS, I love you.

New Mexico: I spent a few days in Albequerque back in like 2004 or some shit. Yeah Breaking Bad was accurate.

New York: What can I say about New York that hasn’t already been said about Venezuela? It’s big, corrupt, dilipated, grossly unequal, and it stinks. They cling to their well funded shitty sports teams and past glories. The reality is that “The City” no longer has an edge. It is so expensive that people who do the actual creating for society can’t find crevices to occupy. 1 bedroom, 1 bathroom, 50 sqft, standing room only, and 5th floor walkup… $3,500. New York City is proof that what our society needs is a free zone if it is to survive beyond this century. It’s a shame that most of the state is beautiful but like Illinois held hostage by Gotham.

North Carolina: Ew. I’ve never encountered a place so arrogant about its “affordability”. Like that’s their claim to fame. Bitch, that means you the scraps. The bbq ain’t even good. You got all these people moving down there from all over and where’s it at? Where’s the cutting edge art, literature, movies, or whatever? You just a big ass Delaware. Check yoself. Arizona of the East.

North Dakota: I swear every time I hear about this state I think it’s South Dakota. It’s amazing it actually exists, though I hear it is nice. Maybe a branding problem? Shit I can relate.

Ohio: Hell.

Oklahoma: The first thing I think of is Timothy McVeigh so it can’t be good.

Oregon: I’ll give one thing to them: they could care less what other states think of them.

Pennyslvania: Aside from that shithole they call Philly I ain’t got nothing bad to say. The cats I knew from PA were solid. They reminded me of people from so called Central Jersey or Anaheim. You know what I’m saying: people who can hang on a lazy summer day and find fun, always without effort.

South Carolina: Ain’t these the motherfuckers that started the Civil War? They should have let General Sherman make a quick pop in like a high Rutgers student at a Wawa, there would be nothing left.

South Dakota : I forgot it was there.

Tennessee: I hear they got good bbq, but it seems like the state is in a random spot. Move Delaware’s ass down there and move up here. Let’s see whats up.

Texas: They say Texas is the new California, in that it is the state that will lead America into this new century. Before you assume I’m just going to bash Texas I’m not. That previous statement is actually something we should contemplate over. I don’t believe the Texas system is strong enough to handle what is coming for it in terms of weather patterns, water prospects, and migration chaos. There’s a lot of local indepdenence in Texas where the regions and cities have more control than the state. It reminds me something of New Jersey. Of course that doesn’t mean the states have the same policies, but government styles need to adapt. Texas will surely have a good ride, but its laziness and self importance will come to bite it in its ass. It’s way too hot in the summer, way too cold in the winter, many people are caricatures, and nobody cares how big you are. I’m fine with Texas, but you aren’t the hot shit you think you are. But glad to be wrong.

Utah: It’s actually a beautiful state.

Vermont: Where someone from Jersey would flee to avoid the crowds. Lacey Chabert agrees.

Virginia: Meh, it had its time and now it is whatever. The Tidewater gentry are long gone, and replaced with playtime wannabes.

Washington: Cobain and Staley. Well that’s just depressing.

West Virginia: The most underrated state by far. Don’t get me wrong I’ve seen trashy ass people sitting out front their porches in they underwear, but I seen that in Lincoln Park too. The river gorges are amazing and the horse flies will take a chunk of your skin. I almost drowned in a river here, true story.

Wisconsin: Is this like the New Jersey to Illinois’ New York? I think so.

Wyoming: See Montana

Well may as well throw more in there.

Puerto Rico: Make them a state already. Their mofongo is enough for entry.

DC: They say drain the swamp. I say flood it more.