I have serious doubts about you if you are from New Jersey and don’t scheme. I love a good scheme, especially when it’s a scheme to make better gelato. I never scheme against a customer because for you I have honor. Our margins aren’t as good as the dogshit ice cream places out there, because we use actual ingredients. So I scheme. Plus you all deserve the best. 

My favorite was tricking hipsters. I play a good hipster—I didn’t shave, I’d slap myself a few times to look malnourished or tired, and then I’d wear plaid. I used to sell at a farmers market in San Francisco and every morning I’d scheme to get fruit or other ingredients. I’d look for a hipster and work them. “Hey man, what’s good today? Did you hear the new death cab album? Yo let me ask you something, who has the best single origin coffee around here? Oh so check it, do you guys want a cup of gelato later? Oh wow, yeah man, hey grab whatever.” And I walk away with watermelon, a box of peaches, or berries. I give away two cups and get back a gallon. Plus they were hipsters so the universe is fixing itself. 

There’s also the coffee hipster working the tent. “Heyyyy sup. Oh man I’m so tired. Hey you guys want a cup later. Yeah we have nondairy stuff. Oh no, no you don’t have to give me a bag of espresso beans. Oh you sure? Oh well thanks, I’ll be back later to bring you guys stuff. Nice hair by the way and when is your visual art exhibition opening up? Cool I’ll check it out.” A cup for a batch. Sounds good to me. 

This one I can neither confirm nor deny, but maybe I hopped the fence of an avocado orchard. And maybe I filled a backpack and two canvas bags with avocados and rode off on my bike. It’s possible I made avocado ice cream with it. The orchard may also have been left abandoned and I was just doing them a favor. 

I’m not even going to talk about my strawberry schemes. 

It’s harder to scheme in New Jersey because everyone’s a schemer. In California everyone’s tricked on a daily basis. Plus while our government is corrupt theirs is inept. In Jersey everyone’s always assuming everyone else is up to something. I have a bit of dual personality with that. I scheme to make better gelato and to make you all happy. To achieve that I’ll do anything. 

We have been rather busy at the store. That is a good thing, but I’m also used to just ranting about something related to gelato and ice cream. Being busy has its positives as I am someone who thrives on chaos and flavors tend to reveal themselves in all the mess. I enjoy being a showman and hopefully one day we can take our business to another level where things can become increasingly more entertaining for you all as well as myself. There is always something new or to improve on to make our shop better for you. For now, this summer, we are just focusing on being here in the present, spinning the gelato, and making sure you are enjoying yourselves.

I don’t think or care about what other gelato and ice cream shops do. I have no negative feelings towards them, I just don’t see how it helps us. Rather I watch your patterns, comments, and vibe and we move APEM according to all that. This is a Jersey business and I'm very proud of that. It’s very important to focus on quality of life especially considering the last few years and so it is part of our existence to be part of the vibe that increases it.

Every year I used to have some kind of theme behind it. The year 2019 was just being happy we managed to open, 2020 was about survival, 2021 was digging ourselves out of a hole (we are all still in that hole lol), but 2022 doesn’t have anything. I just wanted to spin gelato for you all and see how it goes. Plans and schemes only pan out half the time if you are lucky. Real life gets in the way, and I’m at my best when the only thing that matters is today. Tomorrow is dumb.

We were just sitting around having a laugh. Some people can relate and some have no clue. But for us this is being Asian in America in a joking manner.

Asian means outworking the competition. If the guy next to you is working hard then you go harder. If you don’t know how to do it you better learn fast. You can rest when you are dead.

Asian is going to piano lessons because your parents think it’s gonna make you smarter somehow. It doesn’t. But it’s great thing to learn.

When people ask if you have a big family and you lose count.

Asian is riding your bikes as a kid and doing jumps or taking sharp turns over and over again until you hit it perfectly every time. Then when you are older you take your car out to a quiet backroad and take each curve or hard turn until you hit it perfectly every time. Technical perfection is the greatest high.

Asian is watching your family die laughing at comedy movies where all they do is goofy faces.

Bruce Lee was a hero to every Asian kid growing up no matter which country of origin.

Asian is saving 70% of your income. And paying cash most of the time. Anyone else’s family ever have a random tv in the attic filled with cash?

Asian is being able to drink jet fuel but 2 bud lights have you falling on the floor.

Gold. It’s the best color followed by green.

When MSG is in a salt shaker at the dining table you know you’re Asian. Yo pass some of it for the wings will you?

String beans aren’t legit unless they’re like 3 feet long.

Asian is driving a white car with dark tinted windows while wearing sleeves, gloves, and visors that cover the face. And going to the ocean fully clothed with a layer of sunblock thicker than cement.

Hondashi in spaghetti sauce? That’s right. Or maybe some curry.

Bad rice is a fucking disgrace. Speaking of rice sometimes dinner is just rice and nori. Maybe with a side of kimchi.

Fatty Crab was the greatest restaurant in New York for a time.

Asian is when your parents get old and they try to guilt you into doing the smallest things. Jewish people can relate I believe.

Asian is when your parents have this one random obscure medicine that can cure anything. Basically Robutussin. Take that Tussin!

Plastic on top of the couch and over the tv remote.

When you come back from Asia and drive around and forgot that the lines on the road and the stop lights aren’t suggestive.

Everyone has that one aunt that can really get under your skin.

When you are the only people who can squat with their heels touching the ground.

When you know someone who has gotten hit by a scooter.

You may or may not have been the street fighter champion in the tri state area.

Asian is when your parents comment on your tan but you are as pale as a piece of paper.

You have a toothpick holder in the cup holder of your Toyota.

When people tell you this one place has really good ramen and it’s just soy sauce broth.

There’s Boba and there’s really good Boba.

Asian is hanging grapefruit off your car as you drive through red lights.

When people think you are passive but you can go from Buddha to Genghis faster than crypto losing half its value.

The dishwasher is for clean dishes only.

Pics below: Me being dumb in Chinatown. My crew and I rolling to the seafood shack. Some of the best sushi we’ve had. Some loser in a mask. Jenny’s bowl cut. One of my favorite people in California, Al, who was famous for diving for abalone and working on apple farms like his Japanese American ancestors did for generations. My cousin Randy and I getting ready to bust out with some Filipino dance moves.

I’m always up for a laugh. For example this week we will have a few flavors named Down in a Hole, Joe Rogan Bros, and The Hoffman.

Down in a Hole is inspired by one of my favorite bands Alice In Chains. It’s funny as hell to have a flavor named after that song, because it’s a song about self destruction and I used that vibe to come up with the flavor.

I call Joe Rogan the male Oprah. He had Bernie Sanders on his show but then also some guy talking about how some settlement 12,000 years old in Turkey is like some civilization out of the videogame Assassins Creed. Then some billionaire troll. His show is the epitome of today. The flavor is rather simple but makes me laugh about how it’s something his listeners would like and feel manly. Originally I was going to call it Johnny Badass but Joe Rogan Bros works. Same.

The Hoffman is for one of my favorite actors Philip Seymour Hoffman. He’s had so many iconic characters like Scotty from Boogie Nights, Freddie from The Talented Mr. Ripley, Capote, or Allen from Happiness. I haven’t even seen all his movies, but he’s always stood out and made an impression on me. I came up with this flavor imagining I was Hoffman preparing for a role pacing around an apartment lost in the moment.

Today’s society is so corny. This week I just want to have some fun with the flavors. Will they be good? You be the judge of that, but at least I’ll get a laugh.

Hoffman as Scotty

Redfin, the real estate brokerage, asked us for some tips on renovations for a home ice cream sundae station. I felt like we could have made a whole 10 minute video segment on it of me knocking down a wall and painting, but a few words will suffice lol. If Jenny and I move one day that may be one of our first priorities for a new house. I’m totally gonna install a dipper well and espresso machine. What's your key item for a great ice cream sundae? Jenny thinks its chocolate sauce, but if it doesn’t have toasted nuts it doesn’t exist to me. Obviously a legit sundae only uses APEM gelato or ice cream. Frenchy Custard, Fresh Mint Stracciatella, or maybe even Thai Iced Tea topped with candied oranges and spicy peanuts? Sooooo good.

Here’s the link to the Redfin article: https://www.redfin.com/blog/home-ice-cream-bar/

This year we will be reopening in April. For the past few years now March has been a weird month for me. It’s the transition between January and February where I’m mostly focusing on relaxing and rebuilding my body after a year of gelato making. And last year was especially harsh towards the end. March is when my mind slowly shifts back into gelato mode and I try to get my body ready. I also suffer from writer’s block during this time. I kind of forget everything and have to relearn it all. In one way this is good because fresh ideas come into my head. But it’s also bad in that I start to have nightmares where we are running out of milk or it’s the first day open and nobody comes in. It takes me a few weeks to work through that. By the end of March I’m fidgeting to reopen. I like to think of myself as an athlete that has a season and during the off-season I really let myself go. March is spring training. 

Dammit!

“I’m federal agent, Jack Bauer, and today is the longest day of my life.”

One of my all time favorite TV shows was 24. From Season 2 until like Season 6 every episode was a nail biter. I used to work at a restaurant in the West Village, and Kiefer Sutherland used to eat brunch there. Whenever he came in the servers would do the 24 countdown and we’d label the tickets “Jack Bauer.” It was always pretty funny. At that restaurant celebrities always came by for brunch like DiCaprio, Bundchen, Bono, and Lou Reed. But Jack Bauer always wanted some off the menu cucumber salad thing. It was weird.

Anyway, this blog post isn’t about the show but rather a 24 hour period last week. From Thursday to Friday there was hell. It started off with our gelato machine acting up. It’s a simple machine in terms of assembly, but when something goes wrong there’s always a long list of things to go through. The machine would randomly stop whether before a batch or during it. And since there’s gelato in it I can’t just stop and take it apart. So I just have to keep resetting it until it finishes. On Thursday it was something manageable. I rode my bike home for lunch that day and was playing with our dog Clyde when I saw this awful rash. I dropped Jenny at the store and brought Clyde to the vet. Apparently he had clogged glands and releasing them wasn't a pleasant site. I felt bad for the boy. After hanging out with him for a bit I went back to the store and the gelato machine was still acting up. So I had to sit there and juggle what are my next steps.

Come Friday I decided to divert all my energy into finishing the Thanksgiving preorders. And that was hell. Imagine every time you start up your car to go to work and the engine shuts off every 10 feet. Sometimes the engine would restart right away or in 20 minutes. But with the situation you are in you just have to keep doing this until you get to work, and there’s no AAA to call. That was me Friday with in between batches talking to our technical people. I was so stressed out. Because of that I figured to just go for a bike ride to clear my head. I zig zagged around Bloomfield, Glen Ridge, and Montclair to get back home to enjoy a delicious turkey sandwich with BBQ chips. I usually ride up Watchung and with specific blocks I am watching every car in case they swing their doors open since it’s such a narrow street. And once I passed those blocks, I assumed I was in the clear. Of course that’s when it happens. In slow motion I see a truck door open and I just couldn’t break in time. All I remember is hitting my head on the pavement and thinking, “shit, that hurt.” Then I remember trying to stand up and rolling over to the side like a UFC fighter that was just knocked out. It was like an out of body experience.

As I’m sitting on the road I’m remembering back when Liam Neeson’s wife, Natasha Richardson, died because she hit her head and didn’t get it checked out. While I was there in the ambulance they kept asking me if I wanted to go to the hospital and while I had a headache I didn’t feel anything extreme. By this time Jenny was there and told me I should get checked out. And after being at the hospital and everything being clear, I must say I’m pretty lucky. I’ve heard of people getting into that type of biking accident and it being a lot worse. I was Jack Bauer-level lucky at least in that moment.

Fast forward to Monday and we’ve been trying to get the gelato machine fixed. It took 5 hours and 2 false moments where we thought it was fixed, but nada. So we had to send out for parts and hopefully that fixes the issue. I mean our gelato machine is from 2010 and it’s in great shape overall but things always break down. With it being Thanksgiving week I don’t know how quickly the parts will come in and be installed. It’s not something I can do on my own unless I want to tempt my luck with being electrocuted. That’s happened to me before with our freezer (twice!) and I’d rather sit this one out. So I’m guessing we will have to push All Star Weekend back a week. I’m sorry about that. The gelato machine just couldn't break down right at the end of the year, lol? Well, I will use this week to rest. I feel like Jack Bauer after he was freed from the Chinese. I can’t really look at screens for long as it bothers my eyes, so I’ll put some eye covers on and listen to some Season 2. See you soon.

Maybe you’ve noticed but I’m a decent Devils fan. I’d never say hardcore since I know some that devote a good chunk of their time to all things Devils. My only claim to Devils fandom maybe is that I once went to a whole season. That’s 41 games or around that.

My path to being a Devils fan may be similar to yours whether it’s this team or another: when I was a kid they were winners. I’m a 90s kid and remember going to games with my best friend. If anything we also enjoyed the fact that you could fight other kids at the arena. Then you got some hotdogs and watched more fights on the ice. As a Passaic kid one was pure testosterone.

With the GOAT.

Everyone knew the name Brodeur. Maybe you knew Stevens, Neidermayer, or Danyeko, but Brodeur was a saint. He carried the Jersey name like it was a cross and then threw it down a hill. In my passive watching of hockey I just assumed a goalie was everything. I mean they kind of are. Look at the Rangers right now, they’d be shit without their goalie.

Today’s hockey is different from when I was in my teenage years. Well, the whole world was different. Sometimes the nostalgia settles in and I wish things were still the same. Scott Stevens was crushing people, Layne Staley was still alive, and America was unquestionably the most powerful country on Earth. But none of that is reality. And it is my firm belief that one of the most true of Jersey values is to have the deep desire to be a winner. It doesn’t matter how you win, just that you win.

It is different today, but the bones are the same. We just need to approach it with a different style. And after years suffering with a stagnant team I am starting to see where we are headed. I don’t know if it’s a clear path to winning at the highest level, but something is there. And there’s one particular player that is slowly symbolizing it for me, Dawson Mercer. It is his rookie year and he’s only a few games in, but man just watch him. I know he’s Canadian, but he plays just like how a true Jersey kid would play. We aren’t the biggest, the fastest, nor the most skilled but we go at it with such aggressive abandon. Did you see the Columbus game Sunday? Their goalie even punched him in the face. Everyone hates this kid, and he’s not even trying to be a jerk. He’s just going at it as hard as he can and sometimes it just happens that way. He seems like a nice kid, but when it’s time to go, that’s it. That’s the type of playing that gets me excited because it’s a mentality like that you can’t break. People with a lot of skill are always prone to getting hot and cold, or they get depressed. The Devils in general as of late have been a team that is just like that. They need to develop a mentality that loves the nasty grind. They have to love breaking down other people, and especially so since they have only 2-3 highly skilled players. I could be wrong about all this of course, but I hope players like Jack Hughes, Dawson Mercer, and Dougie Hamilton help turn the team around.

APEM isn’t a sport, but we operate similar to it. We have a season that is a long grind. And everyday is the same. Throughout the season we also have many injuries. This is why both Jenny and I spend a lot of time doing maintenance on our bodies. There’s part of me that wishes we could be open longer portions of the year, but the winter break is definitely needed. It’s when my brain gets to mostly shut down, because during the season it’s almost going at an anxious pace with the whole covid vibe plus keeping things interesting. I can’t wait to find some people who can really help us kick it into high gear. I really hold myself up as a high standard of ice cream/gelato place for Jersey. Sometimes I’m like a caged animal just looking across the river at those punks in Manhattan making their shitty ice cream and waiting for someone to let me loose.

Nicest Devil ever: Travis Zajac.

I love this fucking state. Some other states are prettier or bigger, but they aren’t Jersey. One day this state is gonna drown into the ocean, but for now it’s an amazing place full of people that make America great. I’m not saying it’s perfect and there aren’t problems. I mean Camden? But there’s something in the air that makes us so good. I think of the food, the people, the towns, the parkway, the lakes, and the Shore where all kinds of shit happen. The Devils are the only team left that represent that potential. And I feel the tide turning in our favor not just for the team, but for the state and our business. After these last few years how much lower can you go? Plus success is infectious. This is why we must strive for it constantly, especially when things are in a rut. You bite down harder and keep going while bringing everyone else along with you. It is the only option.

So go buy a Dawson Mercer jersey.