A Good Scheme

I have serious doubts about you if you are from New Jersey and don’t scheme. I love a good scheme, especially when it’s a scheme to make better gelato. I never scheme against a customer because for you I have honor. Our margins aren’t as good as the dogshit ice cream places out there, because we use actual ingredients. So I scheme. Plus you all deserve the best. 

My favorite was tricking hipsters. I play a good hipster—I didn’t shave, I’d slap myself a few times to look malnourished or tired, and then I’d wear plaid. I used to sell at a farmers market in San Francisco and every morning I’d scheme to get fruit or other ingredients. I’d look for a hipster and work them. “Hey man, what’s good today? Did you hear the new death cab album? Yo let me ask you something, who has the best single origin coffee around here? Oh so check it, do you guys want a cup of gelato later? Oh wow, yeah man, hey grab whatever.” And I walk away with watermelon, a box of peaches, or berries. I give away two cups and get back a gallon. Plus they were hipsters so the universe is fixing itself. 

There’s also the coffee hipster working the tent. “Heyyyy sup. Oh man I’m so tired. Hey you guys want a cup later. Yeah we have nondairy stuff. Oh no, no you don’t have to give me a bag of espresso beans. Oh you sure? Oh well thanks, I’ll be back later to bring you guys stuff. Nice hair by the way and when is your visual art exhibition opening up? Cool I’ll check it out.” A cup for a batch. Sounds good to me. 

This one I can neither confirm nor deny, but maybe I hopped the fence of an avocado orchard. And maybe I filled a backpack and two canvas bags with avocados and rode off on my bike. It’s possible I made avocado ice cream with it. The orchard may also have been left abandoned and I was just doing them a favor. 

I’m not even going to talk about my strawberry schemes. 

It’s harder to scheme in New Jersey because everyone’s a schemer. In California everyone’s tricked on a daily basis. Plus while our government is corrupt theirs is inept. In Jersey everyone’s always assuming everyone else is up to something. I have a bit of dual personality with that. I scheme to make better gelato and to make you all happy. To achieve that I’ll do anything.